A Dream Deferred: Post-Trials Thoughts
by Loree Smith on Jun.27, 2012, under Competitions, Life and Thoughts
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
By Langston Hughes
The link to my post trials interview with runnerspace
Four years is a long time to wait for anything. After 2008 in China, I thought long and hard about what I wanted the next four years to mean. I didn’t want to just make an Olympic team and I didn’t want to feel the disappointment of getting to the big show and under performing. Making the team was the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt and only fueled my desire for more.
Up until that point, every major life decision had been influenced by track: where I went to school, what I ate, where I lived, where I worked, everything I did. I didn’t see a reason for it to stop, I had had a lot of success. So, I continued to put track first.
2009 was a good year for me the following year. I had a PR and successful summer trip in Europe, compeiting against some of the top talent in the world and still competing well. Maybe even beating a few of them along the way making me feel like I was finally finding my throw. However, as my coach’s health became in question, and he was unable to continue to work with me, I needed to find a new situation.
2010 there was a lot of new: new state, new training, new philosphies to try to adopt. I threw everything I had into the hammer and left nothing for myself… but the gamble didn’t work. I was miserable outside of track, inside, and my throwing was suffering.
It was a set back throwing, physically, and yes, mentally. Feeling so strong, putting so much in to be knocked down so far was a blow. I felt lost, but I needed it. I needed to learn the importance of taking care of myself outside of track in order to move forward on the field. I was ignoring that part too long, saying that being unhappy was okay as long as I was throwing far.
2011 was my chance to find myself again. I returned home to CSU to where I first picked up the hammer. Coach Bedard knew he would play more mentor and counselor than anything, but happily accepted me back. It was apparent immediately, I needed to fix a lot of things off the track before it would get better on.
It was a hard year to say the least. It was worse than starting over because I wasn’t starting level, but digging myself out of a hole. I was learning to compete again, learning to believe in myself, and trying to get the pieces of my life outside of track together. Instead of building, I was rebuilding.
This year was getting back on my feet, shaking off the dust and preparing to fly. Where I felt like I should have continued building from such a successful 2009 and be gearing up for winning trials and trying for a medal, this year was about finding my stride, my throw, and making the team.
It was a hard year, but I think I finally found a balance around January. I had a new job that allowed for training and actually paid enough that my biggest stress wasn’t which bill to pay and which could wait and I was happy in my regular human life. lol With the support of my club, NYAC, and a grant from America for Gold, there felt like there was a real chance again.
My training the last few weeks and my competitions were finally coming together. I was consistent and every throw teetered on the edge of breaking through. My missed throws were quickly becoming better than my best the previous years… I just needed more time.
Suddenly four years turns into a few weeks, to a few days, to a few minutes.
I know I had no reason to be as optomistic as I was, but I believed with everything inside that I would show up and not only PR but finally be the thrower I knew I was, not just make the team but fight for the American Record and be one of the top throwers in the world.
It had been hard to swallow the defeat and preceived failures of previous years, watching others grow while I dug to get back on my feet.
Even until my last throw that landed in the net, I felt like every throw was going to be the one, the throw I had waited for years for was going to come.
It’s hard not making the team again, not living up to what I felt I could and should. However, in 2008, I didn’t want to just make the team and this year it would have been like that.
I still think I’m a 75m thrower, it’s like I’m on the crest of greatness and at any moment I will finally get over the hump and it will happen. I still love hammer throw, I still love going out there every day and trying to figure it out, to be better.
It’s just hard waiting another four years for the chance.
13 Comments for this entry
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June 27th, 2012 on 10:59 pm
Glad to hear you are still optimistic. Keep with it! When I saw you in February you looked like you were having fun again and that is the most important. If you are having fun the pieces will slowly come together. We know you have it.
June 28th, 2012 on 1:32 am
Your journey is inspiring for all of us post-collegiate hammer throwers! I enjoy following your blog and wish you the best of luck and success in the hammer and life!
“Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.” – William Feather
June 29th, 2012 on 8:40 am
It was awesome seeing you compete and I’m thrilled that I get the privilege of continuing to follow your progress as you continue to improve in the future.
June 30th, 2012 on 12:39 am
a professor told his class there was ging to be a test today! the class moaned and groaned, so the professor asked, by a raise of hands, who doesn’t want to take the test, and you can leave the class with an automatic C! more than half the class was dismissed with their C grade. the professor than passed out the test to the remaining students face down, and told the not to turn the paper over till he said too! he went back to the head of the class, and said turn it over and begin, when the students turned it over, a sentence at the top of the page read: you are all dismissed from class today, with an automatic A grade!….puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, sir, why are we recieving an automatic A, the professor replied BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T WILLING TO SETTLE FOR A C! loree, you’re not willing to settle for anything less than your best, thats what makes you who you are! “there are bumps along every road, even the one to the top” you’re an amazing athlete loree smith, you’ll go out your way….throwing!
July 27th, 2012 on 1:48 pm
Oh, Loree, here on the cusp of the Olympic start, I remembered you and began searching for your name on the team. I had so hoped to find you there, and my heart sank – though to read your story here is beautiful and affirming… My husband and I met you when you were visiting a friend in nyc – we shared a tiny table at a dance show, if you can even recall – what an honor it was to meet one of our Olympians! You were so humble, your friend had to brag about your accomplishments on your behalf…
Though a social worker & *very* far from knowing your pain as an athlete(!), I can absolutely relate to the hunger of wanting something so badly, but being unable, try after try, to get there, and feeling oh so close… We had our 3rd pregnancy loss last month, and after trying for those same 4 yrs you have, I understand something of the heartbreak, all-consuming misery, need for starting over (new drs, new meds, new attitude, etc), and feeling that nothing short of the goal will “make it right.” I just wanted to thank you for sharing in such an honest way, and let you know that I, too, am hoping the way to salvation is through self-care, as I have just decided, finally, to take a leave of absence from work to focus on healing & gearing up again for our next “olympic” effort. Know that you are on the right path, it’s okay not to have total control, and that surrendering to life on life’s terms is a strength and never a setback – may doing so set you free in ways you could have never anticipated. You are always an American hero. Many blessings!
September 11th, 2012 on 11:28 pm
whatever is your scope of interest a nice foot massage will cure you!
November 4th, 2012 on 2:07 am
Hi loree. I just stumbled upon your blog and I’m glad I did =]. I’m 25 years old and I can’t help but feel like I wanted to accomplish something for myself that I never had the guts to do when I was younger. I watched the Olympics this year and I was totally sucked I couldnt help but admire everyone who competed. And how it showed that they do it for the love of the sport. I deep down I wanted to be apart of that , do you have any advice for someone coming into it. It’s been harder to get information now that I’m not in school anymore. I use to be in track and field in high school. My friend encouraged me to look for an Optimus in the city but I don’t hear much on hammer throwing in Miami. Do you happen to have any advice on a newbie?
do you think I’m to old to start ? That’s one of my concerns. Anything would help ! Thanks laixa !
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